Giving myself a break

I've been obsessing over the dog thing all day. I've managed to write a blog post and fill 4 pages in my journal over it (and it's a BIG journal) and I've come to the realization that I had unrealistic expectations about how today was going to go. It hit me pretty squarely: I spent 10 hours looking for a dress, for goodness sake, what makes me think that I can find a good pet in two hours? How silly is that? So I will continue on my dog search and be content in the knowledge that I will find the right dog for me when it's the right time.

Sometimes I sound like a grown-up....scary.

Today's the day I get a dog

...or at least I thought so. It was not the case, though. I decided that I'm ready to get a dog and, since I have some down time this week, today would be the perfect day to go to the shelter and come home with a new companion.

I woke up excited an a little nervous at the prospect. I found Carmen's old dishes and discovered that I still had 6 months of her heart worm/flea/tick medicine. I set up the dishes--they're the kind that sit off of the floor so that it's easier for the dog to eat. And I cleaned out the back of my car in anticipation of the new dog riding back there.

Off I went to the Animal Shelter. I had looked at a bunch of these dogs online and was anticipating meeting them in person. Surely one of these sweet dogs would be perfect for me.

I met Sash first. She is a reserved greyhound mix. She's so reserved, though, that she hardly paid any attention to me. Not a very excited dog whatsoever. I mean I would like a dog who at least seemed happy to see me...she is very sweet, though and good with people and other dogs. I just wasn't excited about her. And she wasn't excited about me.

Next was a black lab (by the way, I'm looking at adult and young dogs, I don't want a puppy)who was just under 2 years old...WAY too much dog for me. Really excited and would be perfect for someone with a fenced yard and 3 kids.

There were a couple of other dogs; Gregor, a hound mix who had the right amount of playfulness and independence that would work well for me, and Cane. Cane is an absolutely beautiful Pit Bull Terrier who, while he's still young, responds very well to commands and his training. He would be a great dog to take on hikes and to play fetch with. But am I really the person who would play fetch every day? I'm not sure.

Believe it or not, it has been an extremely emotional day for me. I thought I was coming home with a new pet, but in the process of finding the right one, I found that I may not be ready for a new dog just yet. I'm aware of the responsibility of owning a dog. I'm rescuing a dog from the pound and, therefore, if it is not a good fit, I would feel very guilty about returning the dog if I needed to.

Am I ready to replace Carmen? I didn't realize it at until today that Carmen was the first dog that was truly mine. My responsibility, my friend and companion that got me through some tough times. The idea of having another dog in my house that's not Carmen is upsetting. And, the good lord willing, I will outlive this next dog. Can I face the prospect of having another pet die or be put to sleep? I understand now why my dad would get so upset when I brought a pet home when I was a kid...he couldn't stand the idea of having a pet die. It would make him so angry. I don't think I'm like my dad in that way, but I do understand it now.

So I don't have a new dog today. I've gone to the pet store to price crates and I've gone to the library to get a couple of books on dog behavior. I'm scared, really. I'm making a commitment and taking on a responsibility that I take very seriously. My last pet relationship lasted 4 years longer than my marriage did. That should tell you something.

Holiday Pics

Aunt C & Ella Bella


Family Portrait
My Three Brothers, my sister & me



Boy! You can tell we're related!

Winter Solstice

My Mom's Christmas Cactus was in full bloom this week; its pink blossoms a reminder of the Spring to come.

Happy Solstice!

Aunt Connie's Cyber Cafe

Since my house is the only one with wireless internet, at the holidays, my dining room table becomes the local cyber cafe.

That's my 15 year old nephew, Dylan & my 33 year old nephew-in-law Will.

I'm a Shopping Queen!

Remember the money my brother gave me to buy new clothes? Well, I have spent a total of 12 hours shopping for these new clothes. Last week I spent 7 hours on Friday looking for the perfect black dress. I didn't find one that day after trying on at least 30 dresses. By the time I left the mall I was delirious and hungry. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. This one was too dressy, this one was not dressy enough. I'm not IN LOVE with it. I found one that I loved, but they didn't have it in my size and told me it didn't come in my size! It's a sad thing when you lose 2 sizes and the perfect dress doesn't even come in the second most common size in the US. I finally gave up (something I should have done 3 hours earlier) and went home.

The next day I decided I would buy a skirt & top. Found a cute skirt (after trying on 6 dresses at Steinmart) and headed off to the mall (again) for a top. I'm back in the same department store, skirt in hand, with 3 tops that might work and the fitting room is in the area where I tried on dresses yesterday. "Oh, what the hell, I have a fresh eye today, let's look for another dress or two to try on." I grab a couple that look interesting and head for the dressing room.

First I try on the tops with the skirt I brought with me...meh...nothing to write home about. So I move on to the dresses...there was one in particular that I was saving for last because I really liked it and wanted it to fit and look good...a sweet little dress with a lace bodice and silk chiffon skirt...the other two were okay but the last one fit me like it was made for me. I couldn't believe it. I looked in the mirror and said, "I know I tried you on at least twice yesterday, why didn't I want you? You're perfect?" I can't describe how great I look in this dress and it's a grown-up dress that doesn't make me look like I'm 57. When there's an occasion to wear it, I'll be sure to post pictures. Now, why would I want a black dress that I have no reason to wear at the moment? Well, every woman should have a little black dress and should someone invite me to a fund raiser or a gala, I will be prepared....and did I mention that the dress was marked down from $115 to $57.50 AND an extra 30% was taken off at the register....the perfect dress for only 40 BUCKS! You know what that means, don't you? That I still have $60 to spend.

Flash forward to today. NY & Company is having a 50% off everything sale...another outfit for $40...The perfect white shirt and a great pair of gray pinstripe pants. I cleaned up!!!! And I look Awesome! Two classic outfits for under $100! My brother will be so proud. I'm wearing the pants and top to the family Christmas gathering on Saturday. He'll be able to see where half of his funds went.

Quote for today

You don’t have to earn or deserve love. You are love.


Rhonda Britten

Gone All Pear Shaped

So I was watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America the other day and he said something that made me fall off the chair laughing. In referring to the fact that the kitchen and staff had just fallen apart, he said it "had gone all pear-shaped."

All I could picture was this animated pear with skinny little legs and arms trying to re-arrange it's shape into something other than a pear....Lifting the rounded part, hoping that it will stay up, releasing it and it just falling back down into a pear shape. Lift.....Bloop.....Lift.....Bloop

(These are the times that I really wish I could draw so that I could illustrate the picture that phrase calls to mind.)

Well, at least Holley thought it was as funny as I did.

So I am going to start using the colloquialism as much as often...that and "This area is nice" in a weird French accent a la the dog in the Cannon camera commercial.

The Gods Work In Mysterious Ways

I had a lovely surprise today. Funds are really low for me this time of year and since I've lost all this weight, I really have nothing nice to wear. I have bought a couple of necessities and, unwillingly, put them on my credit card. Well, today, I'm sitting at my computer and there's knock on the door. In comes D and he gives me a hug and hands me some money to buy myself a new outfit for Christmas. It was completely out of the blue and such a sweet thing to do. He told me he was proud of the way I had worked to get my weight off and that he loved me. I am so touched and thankful for the reminders of how much I am loved.

Thanksgiving

I roasted my first turkey this year. Normally, I wouldn't do this, but my wacky dad said he couldn't get one pre-cooked so he brought one to me to roast. No problem. Except that it was a 20 pound bird!!!! I could barely lift it. My dad had trouble, too, but that was because he passed out while repairing the roof of the trailer and took a tumble. He bruised his ribs, shoulder and head. Stubborn old coot! 77 years old and on the roof of the trailer-house by himself! Well, we know where I get it from (may I remind you of the running of the lawnmower off of the hill last summer...oh and the jet-ski incident). But I will guarantee you that you won't find me repairing the roof of my trailer at 77. I'll find me a nice young man with 6-pack abs to do it for me. Hmmmmm.....where was I?

Oh, Thanksgiving. Everything turned out great. Then again, as long as there is meat on the table, most folks in my family are happy. And we had 20 lbs of Bird and 15 lbs of Pig. They were VERY happy. I made 2 lbs of asparagus thinking that I'd have a lot left over for myself. But, lo & behold! It disappeared almost as fast as the gravy! I thought I'd hear, "Aunt Connie always has weird food." But the kids are growing up and trying new things. It's about time. Considering they are in their late 20s and early 30s. It's a good thing I kept some back for myself. I will steam it up tomorrow to eat with my turkey soup.

So a good time was had by all and I am very thankful that we were together, healthy (Dad's healing up fine) and happy.

You Know You're a Bit of a Geek When...

You get really stoked about meeting Carl Kasell at the taping of Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me.

No, You Come On

Do you ever wonder what our pets are really thinking? This little Pom just makes me laugh out loud

5 Shows in 3 Days

Last weekend I went to Barter Theatre to catch the Fall Rep shows before they closed. I had a blast!

First of all, I was able to spend time with Mike O & Katy. We spent more time together than usual am very grateful for their hospitality and friendship. I've come to love Mike's guest bed...a queen-sized, VERY FIRM mattress. And they both are very gracious hosts. We had breakfast together every morning--oatmeal, my favorite--and Mike had coffee available even though he is cutting out caffeine.

I also caught up with some other friends at Barter and they are becoming fewer and fewer simply because, as we all do, they have moved on. It was good to see those I knew and to make the acquaintance of new, extremely talented, people.

Speaking of which, the shows were great. It's so good to enjoy a show and watch it with a critical eye without the back story of my personal experience with the specific actors or the rehearsal process to color my opinion. And I have to say that all at Barter Theatre do fantastic work. I am very proud to call myself a Barter Alumna. And am most proud of the courage and creativity that is so abundant there, especially with the Barter Players who do no less than perform miracles on a daily basis.

Appreciation and Gratitude

This is something new for me. Charlie, the Artistic Director of NC Stage never passes up a chance to tell me how much he appreciates me and my work. I am so grateful for that.

It does take some getting used to. While I have worked for people who have appreciated me I didn't know it until after the fact...and I NEVER heard it from the person directly. It is only through careful analysis and from speaking to others that I have figured it out. How wonderful it is to not have to guess or to second-guess myself.

I tell Charlie and Angie, the Producing Director, that they will have to carry me out of NC Stage in a box.

All I have to do now is stay clear of large boxes.

Perfect Pictures for an Imperfect world

As Promised

Before: July 18, 2007

UgH!!!!!!! Looks more like a mug shot

and AFTER (October 25, 2007)



Thank goodness for bronzing powder!

Wanna know the best part? I bought the suit at 70% off! Woo hoo!

Now I've Gone and Done It

I bought a 2-piece swimsuit today to wear for my "After" picture. You have no idea how difficult it is to find a swimsuit in Asheville in October. Although the way it's been raining the past 2 days, I may need one!

Coming soon....actual photographs!

Today was my last day

On my Remarkable Body Development program.

It's been a journey. I have reached or surpassed all of my goals but one. And I changed my mind about being able to ride a bike to downtown because it was just too stressful. But I'm not focusing on that.

I'm focusing on the fact that:
I have lost 27 lbs
I have lost 20 inches in various & sundry places
I can do 15 push ups
even my "skinny" jeans are too big now and
I have cheekbones again
I can see my ribs
I have very strong legs
I have biceps and triceps

I am very proud of myself, especially since I managed to see this through during a tech. No more emotional eating for me. I have grown even as I have shrunk.

I'll post my before & after pics once I get the After one done. It's hard to find a good-fitting bathing suit in October.

Actual Conversation

This is the conversation I had with the kid behind the counter at Batteries Plus:

Me: Hey! I need a gross of Double-A Procell batteries and I want to put them on the Diana Wortham Theatre's account.

Counter Boy: Okay, how many do you need?

Me: A gross.

Counter Boy: How many?

Me: A gross.

Counter Boy: So.....is that like a "Buttload"?

I was shocked and amazed.

Another Cute Pic of Ella Bella

Anxiety Dreams

It's always so obvious to me when I'm feeling anxious. I have very vivid dreams that leave no room for doubt. I first started understanding them back in 1993 and they were very vivid in '97 when I was going through some major life changes. They have been a compass since.

Today I start rehearsals for Macbeth and have spent the past few days prepping for the rehearsal. I thought I had my ducks in a row until I realized that I lost the keys to the rehearsal hall....I mean LOST. They fell off my keyring sometime between Thursday and yesterday and they can be anywhere.

I will be getting some new keys, but it set in motion my chain of anxiety dreams. This morning I dreamed that I kept stepping on the scales and they kept giving me crazy numbers like 300 or 50. I changed scales and the same thing happened. Suddenly there were tons of scales and none of them would give me a weight that was even remotely close to the actual. It all stems from my fear of giving inaccurate information to my cast and director...I don't want to be the scale that is 200 pound off and, so I strive to find the real answer and in some instances, a ballpark would suffice and would waste less time.

So there! I sometimes look forward to my dreams because they tell me what is going on in my head, really, instead of what I think is going on in there.

Hey! It's cheaper than therapy!

I Did It!!!

I hiked the Mt. Pisgah trail today in 1.5 hours! Woo Hoo! It took me 40 minutes to get to the top, I stayed for 10 minutes and then it took 40 minutes to get back down...but I stopped to take pics along the way. I'll post them soon.

In case you're wondering, the hike is 3 miles round-trip with an elevation rise of 750 feet in 1.5 miles. Some times it felt like climbing stairs instead of hiking a trail.

I'm really proud of myself and it reminded me how much I love to hike...especially when I'm not on a deadline.

Finally!

I have my car back. It's doing well. I still have to get a few things checked out once I get a few miles on the new engine. But it's mine and I can drive it and park it and do whatever I want to in it. Woo Hoo! Since this engine has only 13,000 miles on it, I should be able to drive it a good, long while, giving me time to save up for a Subaru Forrester or Outback.

Please Help

Sometimes I Feel Like This

Past Love, Old Songs

Have you ever associated a song with a particular person? Possibly that person is someone you fell in love with. And now you are no longer with that person. What happens to the song? I just heard a song that my ex-husband used to play for me. I was surprised at the feeling I had. Before this, I associated that song with him and all that was bad between us; the times he wasn’t there for me, the times that he acted out instead of talked to me, the time he left and never came back.

Today I heard the song, “You’re My Best Friend” and I’m able to look past the bad and see it for the sweet gesture that it was at the time. He loved me as best he could and showed his love in the only way he knew how. I guess I must be growing up. I can now look back on my marriage and see it not as a failure but as an experience that, although painful at the end, I now count as a valuable and worthwhile part of my life.

And I can hear that song and smile.

Engine

The replacement engine that was to replace the engine was dropped and, therefore not able to be put in my car...a THIRD engine is either here or on its way.

Good Grief!

Car Update

So the old engine is out and the new one is ready to go in. Except it won't go in. The flywheel doesn't fit.

It seems that a Hyundai engine for an automatic transmission is different from a Hyundai engine for a manual transmission...who knew?

So we're looking for a new engine and have a line on one that has only 10,000 miles on it. That'll work.

Maybe I'll get my car before Christmas.

I Rode Four Miles This Morning

Okay, it's a sign of my commitment that I got on a bicycle at 6:40 this morning and rode on the street for two miles and back...It was the only time I was going to be able to do my workout today because my work day started at 9:30am and will continue until at least 10:30pm...You know these programs were designed for people who had regular, 9-5 jobs and weekends off. However difficult it was, it was worth it...as I got to the lake (I rode to Beaver Lake and back) the sun was just pinking the sky over the mountains was absolutely gorgeous! So I am very happy and proud of myself for staying on course and seeing such a sight. I really must take my camera with me on my early morning treks.

Erectile Dysfunction and Viagra

This thought just came to me. Viagra puts men at higher risk for chronic disease. Now, I'm not a doctor or claim that this statement is actually true, but hear me out.

Before the pills to help with ED men had to suffer and/or go to the doctor to see what was up. Sometimes in the course of ruling out health problems that might be causing the ED, a chronic disease, heart problems or diabetes might be found. When the disease is treated or managed, the ED might just be taken care of.

Now there is a pill that Doctors can prescribe to take care of the ED and the consumer can ask for it by name. The pesky tests and physicals that would have taken place in the past are no longer conducted. Therefore, it is not caught in a timely manner and the disease worsens. Putting men at higher risk.

It is affecting the health of my family members and it makes me mad. Possibly this heart-attack could have been avoided had he not been able to take a pill to get it up. Or his diabetes may have, in the early stages, been able to be managed by diet and exercise. Now he has to take insulin a number of times a day.

So, for gods' sake, get yourself checked out BEFORE you start taking the pill to get it up. It might just save your life. When the penis isn't working right, there might be something else not working right, too.

Twelve Pounds

In FOUR WEEKS. Woo hoo! I'm going to be so buff in two more months. Even though I don't want to do it, I'll post the before and after photos....The Before is pretty sad.

And, I've learned a little something new about myself through this process, so far. It's something that I've known, but haven't had it put to me quite this way. I'm a rescuer. This may be a good thing in some situations (the reason I did so well at Barter when I was ASM and backstage during tech, etc.) but when it comes to relationships...not so good. I have thought of myself in this capacity before but I didn't use that word: Rescuer. I used "people-pleaser" and "co-dependent enabler" but "rescuer" puts it into perspective for me. Now all I have to do is learn how not to be one and to gain the tools required. Piece of cake.

Did someone say cake?

Post Secret

I Found Out Yesterday

That the brakes on the riding lawnmower don't work when the engine is off.

Thank goodness for that tree.

The Lawn Mower is Okay

The watch needs a new battery

The Latest Toll

1 ENGINE
2 BATTERIES
1 OIL PRESSURE SENSOR
1 LAWN MOWER
1 WATCH

One has to laugh.

I Already See Results

I've been on my heath program for a week and a half now. Since my scales are wonky, I'm not sure how much weight I've lost, but according to the scales at the gym, I've lost 2 lbs since Monday. Two people have already noticed and I'm just amazed. The difficulty in the program is in the planning out my day and the gobs of food I eat.

I'm having a little trouble with the concept of how I'm eating. I eat 5 small meals a day. Each one has a protein & a carb (the good ones of both). Some days I look a the food I've prepared and say, "Oh god, please. I really don't want to eat anymore." It's a weird thing to learn that you have to eat to lose weight. And I've been eating real food. None of these shakes! UGH! I do eat a high protein meal bar for one of my snacks, but that's about it. Otherwise, REAL food. And I think that has a lot to do with my progress. My body actually knows how to handle chicken and beef and fish. It knows how to deal with complex carbs when combined with the protein. It's working well and processing the way it should be.

Now I have to get over needing a nap twice a day.

Will it Never End?!?!

This morning, after lugging my butt out of bed, strapping my bicycle to my dad's car, going to the park and riding for a half-hour, I get home, look down at the car gauges only to see a flashing light:

Oil Pressure Low

Good Grief!

I check the oil. It's fine. That means that it's the oil pump.

It has to go to the shop tomorrow.

I just want to cry.

Now I'm Repeating Myself

I just spent the past half-hour telling the story of my, seemingly, unending automobile troubles only to realize that I had already told most of the story.

I think that I have angered the Auto Gods.

We're all set to put the new engine in my car and my cousin, Michael suffers a heart-attack. At 48 years old--only 7 years older than me. Luckily, he survived and actually feels better now. He had a 90% blockage in one of his arteries and some blockage in the other three. They broke up the plaque and put a stint in the one artery and are going to wait and see on the other 3. He has to make some life-changes and I think he'll do it.

Needless to say, the engine is not in my car, yet. So I'm driving my Dad's 1990 Oldsmobile. It's nothing too pretty to look at and it's pretty dirty inside, but it gets me from place to place. However...The battery crapped out on me when I went to Abingdon and I had to buy a new one in order to get back to Asheville.

So the total is:
2 brand new batteries
1 used engine

It's just bad luck, I think.

What's Up?

Okay, so this happens so much in my life. I really should pay more attention. When I decide to make a change, the universe decides to throw even more at me, it seems, just to test me. I'm already mad at my coach because, in just making the commitment to changing, lots of issues have been brought to the surface (I drag my issues out every couple of years, prod at them like a sore tooth and then put some Anbesol on them) since the last time I decided my life wasn't working. I'm getting slapped in the face with it...or just really looking at it. It depends on what I'm feeling at the time it bobs to the top.

Secondly, it seems the universe, the gods, what have you, have a wicked sense of humor. I screw up the courage to ask my dad for $1500 to help me with this project and the very same day my car blows up...I need a new engine and I've just paid $150 for an oil change, new battery and fuel system treatment. What's that all about? It'll get fixed in the next few days. It pays to have a mechanic in the family...and he gets a discount. I just have to figure out how to pay him and my nephew for the labor. The engine will only be $400.

On the bright side, I got my contract to be the Production Supervisor for Almost Heaven. They pay in halves...$750 on signing the contract and $750 on opening night. So I don't have to wait until the middle of Sept. to get a little more money. I'll get it next week.....I really hate to have money issues. I guess I'll have to tackle that one next.

I'd better get to the bank to deposit Dad's check and then go and buy some weight training equipment....

A New Journey

Well, I've gone and hired a Life Coach to help me focus and lose weight. The program lasts for 3 months. I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

My 3 month goal is to lose 20 lbs (or get down to the equivalent size) and to bike from my house to downtown without having to get off and walk It's about 8 miles and a lot of it is uphill. Pretty cool, huh?

Aunt Connie Being Cool

I severly cropped this pic. But I'm on a jetski. At the time it wasn't moving, but I have the bruises to show for when I was on it and then off it while it was moving....

I'm About to Become a Godmother

We'll talk about the implications of that later given the fact that Ella will be christened in the Catholic Church and I'm the only non-Christian in the family... I'll write more about it after it happens. I just wanted to post this very cute picture of Ella at my nephew's wedding.

She was very good through the ceremony. But the fanfare of the recessional startled her and she started screaming while the bride & groom walked up the aisle.

Don't worry, they'll all soon grow up and I'll stop posting their pictures on my blog. By then I'll have at least one new pet to post pics of.

My new Favorite Sculptor

I really like Rodin. When I go to the Metropolitan Museum in NY, I run to the Rodin gallery and stand in front of his work and just weep. The one that always touches me the most is The Hand Of God:
BUT, last night I was watching The Power of Art on PBS an discovered Gian Lorenzo Bernini. I don't think I would be able to stay on my feet should I look at these sculptures in person. Here is his Apollo & Daphne. Just as Apollo catches Daphne, the gods grant her wish of salvation and turn her into a tree.
Of course, photos on a computer don't do them any justice. However, I am constantly amazed at how true artists can make marble--solid stone--take on life. Look like living, human flesh. And here's the piece he's most famous for:

The Ecstasy of St. Theresa.

Her robes look like satin caught in the action of falling back down around her body and the expression on her face is one of pure rapture. She is real. We feel as if we have walked in on something we shouldn't have, like we are voyeurs on a private, passionate moment between Theresa and the Angel.

I now have to start saving my pennies to make sure I get to Rome before I die. I have to see these sculptures in person.

Did a Hiking Group Meet Here?

It's summertime in Asheville. A time for tourists and people who haven't a clue as to the general culture of the town. I was walking to my car in the parking lot of the grocery store and this woman stepped out of her Lexus and asked me if a hiking group met here because she saw so many people who looked like hikers. It took me a minute to realize that she wasn't asking because she was one of the hikers but because everyone was dressed like we always dress--expensive, comfortable shoes, cargo shorts, t-shirts and some sort of pack hanging off of some part of our body and sometimes a bug-proof, sunscreen hat. I told her that I didn't think there was a group meeting here and welcome to Asheville. She was a bit perplexed.

Something Has Gone Terribly Awry

Okay, so I spend too much time watching television. I'll admit that.

There was a commercial for cellulite cream on today. And as I watched, I realized that the models in this commercial were teenagers with really skinny legs. I suppose the message is meant to be that, if you use this cellulite cream that you will have skinny, young legs. A bit outrageous, don't you think? But then I realized that another perspective was that when the teenagers and twenty-somethings see this commercial they'll think that, since their legs aren't long and skinny, they must have something wrong with them and they need this cream. What are we teaching our daughters?

I'll admit that I gaze longingly at the youthful skin in short shorts and mini skirts that I see downtown. And wish I appreciated my young skin when I had it. It's not bad now...Just not as resilient as it used to be---the pillow marks on my face take longer to fade in the mornings than they used to. It makes me understand that I didn't have a clear perspective about myself when I was young. So much of our society focuses on beauty and commercials send messages that we are not perfect and, therefore, ugly or worthless. I wish we could, somehow, move away from that perspective and really allow ourselves to see who we and each other really are and know that we are always perfect.

Have you ever noticed

That the theme music for Kentucky Fried Chicken is "Sweet Home Alabama"?

Being a Friend

I have a friend who seriously needs some therapy. She has absolutely no self-esteem and tries to fill herself up with food and objects. She's smart and funny but never seems to be satisfied with her life. And when it doesn't work out the way she thinks it should, she changes her surroundings...not herself. I am constantly amazed at how it is always someone else's fault. She has so much pain inside that she lives in constant fear of letting it go...she's had it for so long what would she be then? I think it's part of her identity and if that pain goes away she wouldn't know what to do with herself. The worst part, for me, is that I only hear from her when she's alienated everyone else in her life or the people in her life aren't telling her what she wants to hear. It can be so frustrating. I have told her more than once that she needs therapy and she always finds excuses as to why it won't work for her...it's because she leaves as soon as they start getting at the truth. I truly wish she could find some help and find a way to be happy. And I know that I can't find it for her. It really breaks my heart.

You are always much more...

Christians Annexing Jewish Food

I was in the grocery store today.--How many of my posts start with that sentence? --And came across a product that made me do a double-take and then laugh out loud. In fact, I laughed about it in numerous aisles as I shopped which, as usual, caused shoppers to give me concerned glances and a wide berth.

What caused this outburst? Separate from the kosher foods which, by the way, is in the International Food aisle, was something very similar to matzo: BIBLE BREAD!!!!

Made based on the recipe in the Book of Exodus.

Good Lord!

Letter Writing

I've found an outlet for my need to write letters. REAL Letters that go through the postal service and are delivered to mailboxes and everything.

There's this website called The Letter Project. Rick started it because he enjoys writing letters and knows how fun it is to get real mail. So all you have to do is request a letter and he'll write one to you. I first saw his link on Post Secret and the idea really intrigued me. So I sent him a book of stamps (if you want to help out, that's a really good way to do it) and asked if he needed help writing. As it turns out he did. And, after a 45 minute phone interview, he agreed to let me be one of the few people who gets to write letters to those who request them. Cool, huh? I have written 4 letters so far and have a goal of at least 5 to 7 letters a week. There is a backlog of thousands of requests, so that's only a drop in the bucket. It's really an exercise in creative writing and also gives me a chance to improve my penmanship.

"Halfpint! Get in the wagon!"

Yes, I watch Little House every once in a while. When it was on in prime time I would plop myself in the floor in front of the TV every Monday night with my box of tissues. I wanted to be Laura, especially when she got older and married Almonzo. He was soooooo cute! I seem to remember that my first boyfriend, Kurt, looked a little like Almonzo.

So, when surfing, I will find myself stopping to watch Little House and reliving some wonderful memories.

And sometimes getting a good laugh.

Paper or Plastic?

Went to the grocery store yesterday (I know, it's not Sunday. What's wrong with me? I ran out of food, that's what). And had this great cashier, Ashleigh, who asked me (they usually don't anymore) if I wanted paper or plastic. I told her paper and was curious to see how she would pack my groceries...she did a great job! $100 worth of groceries in 3, count 'em 3 bags! I'm sure that the same amount of groceries would have taken up at least 10 plastic bags not counting the ones that they had to double up because they will break if you put more than one can in them. I was very complimentary of her packing skills and left the store in a great mood. Funny how I can let something as trivial as plastic bags affect my mood. But they do. Oh, they do.

Tools Used Today

Pen
Computer
Hammer
Wire Cutters
Rake
Wheel Barrow
Sledge Hammer
Chain Saw

Something everyone needs to hear:

"You matter."

Sorry, there are no profiles that match your sort criteria.

This is sad.

Laying Groundwork

Pays off.
I've been trying to get out to WCU to give a workshop, mentor, what have you, for the past year. It was becoming really frustrating. However, persistence has paid off. I had a meeting today with Claire Eye, and adjunct professor (she was also the lead in my BFA Thesis show, Coastal Disturbances) and we both came away so excited about the prospect of forming a relationship with the school that we had a hard time shutting up about all the things I could do. I can't wait to get my hands on fresh, young students and mentor them about the "real world" and what to expect when being a theatre professional. One of my pet peeves with regards to the education I paid for out there is that I was never taught how to get a job. There were so many things lacking in my theatre education and I really wanted to be able to teach (tell) students what they are in for. YAY!

And another thing: I am now the Stage Manager for NC Stage Company here, in Asheville. Finally! I get to do my thing in a great theatre in Asheville! That won't start until until September, though, so I have to get a "real job" for the summer. If any of you know of anything out there, please let me know.

I'm Proud of Myself

A small personal victory. You see, being raised in Asheville and having truly bigoted family members makes it difficult, sometimes, to do what is right when the racist jokes start flying around after a few beers--did I mention REDNECKS? At least this time it wasn't a family member, but the friend of one. I was at a gathering last night and one of they guys started telling a joke. He actually used the "N" word. I was appalled. As soon as I heard it I told him to stop the joke right there, that it was unacceptable. He continued the joke. I couldn't believe it. I told him again, more forcefully and then walked into the kitchen. He left the party 3 minutes later.

It may sound small and the obvious thing to do, but I don't think that I have ever actually told someone that it was unacceptable. I did the right thing and am proud.

Yay me.

Guy Speak

So, when a guy says that he doesn't want to hurt you and wants to slow down, that means that he really doesn't want to see you anymore, right?

I thought so.

Craggy Gardens in the Mist

Last Saturday I went to Craggy Gardens (just south of Mt. Mitchell on the Parkway) for a little hike. If you haven't been on the top of a mountain when it's raining or misting, you really have missed some of the most beautiful scenery there is. When it's foggy you can't see very far and, therefore you have to look closely at what's around you. I love it for so many reasons. Usually, no one is around and it's very quiet. Sound travels differently in the fog, so you can also hear the slightest rustle of feather or fur. The pearlescent quality of the light reminds me of Gothic romance and and rolling moors. Breathtaking.

Do I Have the Right to be Offended?

I am SM for a local ballet production of Porgy & Bess. The story is about what it meant to be black on Gulla Island in the Charleston area. It's not a happy show but has some wonderful moments. The opera was the first all black opera and cast on Broadway in the 1930s. However, it was written by two Jewish guys and white guy from Charleston. Interesting, huh?

My problem with this ballet is that neither Porgy nor Bess is black and there are 3 black dancers (two of whom are characters who are killed) in the company. Even the band is all white. So, I don't know how I feel about a bunch of privileged white girls dancing in a show about something that they could never empathize with. I guess that's why it's acting of a sorts. They are playing characters and expressing themselves through their bodies. Am I overreacting? Does it matter? And do I have the right to be offended since I, too, have no idea what it might be like to be a black person in the South in the 20s?

I'll have to think some more about it.

A Small (Maybe) Rant

I had heard a rumor the other day that the artistic director of a company here, in A'ville, read the email of one of his employees and then confronted the employee with the info he had read there. Now, to be fair, the employee was using the AD's computer and hadn't physically logged out of the site, so when the AD went to the website, the wrong account came up. However, the email subject had the employee's name in it AND the AD had to actually click on the email to open it up. I was SHOCKED to have this rumor confirmed. Shocked in that the AD is a born-again Christian and is very vocal about his beliefs. His logo even has a cross in it with rays emanating from it...so his religion is prominently part of his daily life. BUT very few of his actions exemplify what I perceive to be Christian. Don't get me wrong, he's not an Asshole, per se, he's a hypocrite who seems to believe that, because he is one of the Chosen Ones, he can do whatever he wants and it's okay. I am completely confounded by this. In fact, I have more trouble with his way of manipulation because it's more underhanded and wimpy. It makes me just want to slap him! The thing that really makes me mad is that he takes up so much of my brain time. My anger does not affect him in any way and does nothing to make the situation better. This is something I will have to reflect on and find a way through.

I'm a Groupie

I can't believe that I almost didn't work this concert. When you hear, "It's 2 violins and a double bass," you don't think, "Oh my god. I have to go see this!" I am so glad that I agreed to do this. The name of the group is TIME FOR THREE. Three young, very talented men who can play like nobody's business. As you can see by their photo, they are not what you would expect and their music is a combination of classical, jazz, country & bluegrass. Check out their website.
And did I mention that they are hot? Maybe it's my hormones talking, but they had me mezmerized after the first 30 seconds. If they are ever in your area, make sure you go to see them. You will not regret it.

Does my Butt Look Fat from this angle?

Women vs. Men

So today I went to Home Depot to buy some good work gloves. I was working on cutting a fence in my side yard and was getting blisters with the big garden gloves I was using. I get to the aisle with the work gloves and find what I might think is the perfect pair. Leather palm, stretchy everywhere else and a nice color. Now just to find my size. The card they were attached to said, "Size Chart On Back." I turn the card over and find out that I'm a medium. Great! That shouldn't be too hard to find. Most women are probably a medium. I look through all the gloves and realize that they are all the same size: W. For WOMEN. I really can't believe this. I mean there is a size chart on the back, why put a chart on an item that only comes in one size? But, alas, it was true. Unfortunately, the pair I wanted were way too small and I was becoming very frustrated.
Now, right next to the gloves just for women, were the gloves just for men...would you believe that they came in different sizes? Why is that? I mean, haven't any of the people who purchase merchandise for HD ever stepped into the world? Have they not seen that women are many different sizes just as men are? And I can attest, there are many women in the area who are much smaller and larger than me, so wouldn't it make sense to carry gloves in different sizes?
I did find a pair that fit me and they work very well. But it would have been a lot easier if they had more than just one size. It's almost as bad as the fact that the outdoor clothing & gear companies' women's clothing only go to size 12 or 14...and they run small, so if I was actually a size 14, I wouldn't be comfy in THEIR size 14...do big girls not want to hike, camp or rock climb?

Birthday Party

Yesterday was the surprise party in celebration of my sister-in-law, Kathy's 50th birthday. Here are some photos:

The Birthday Girl and her Cake.

Me and my niece, Shelli. She and her sister, Shannon, put together this shindig. She's also the mom of the cutest little boy in the world:


At 20 Months, he's a hard one to catch on film.
Kathy, me and baby Ella. Ella is the newest in the family at 6 weeks old. Already she is very dramatic and expressive with her hands.

And she's learning to wink! (That's my brother, Dennis, holding her)

Contra Dancing

I went contra dancing Friday with my friend, Dawn. It was the first time for both of us and we had a blast! As always, I seem to look for lessons in my life experiences. I have to few to contemplate from this experience.

Lesson 1: Letting go and letting someone lead is a difficult thing for me.
Lesson 2: Letting it be okay when a leader is not so excellent is harder.
Lesson 3: There are a bunch of diverse, interesting people in Asheville that I judge because of appearance.
Lesson 4: Being okay with an unfamiliar man's hands on your body every 30 seconds or so is another difficult thing for me.
Lesson 5: I don't care if you grew up in Massachusetts, rude and inconsiderate is rude and inconsiderate wherever you are.

My face hurt from smiling so much, though, and I recommend it to anyone who might enjoy an evening of easy companionship and dancing.

Thanks, Dawn, for asking me to go and thanks, Katy, for talking about it years ago in a way that made me not find an excuse not to go.

The Problem with Family is...

They live too near!
Tonight I had male company for dinner at my house. Nothing big, I was hungry, he was hungry and I didn't feel like eating out. Well, first of all, I had to introduce him to the boys in the garage so they wouldn't give me a hard time. No biggie. They get the idea that Connie's bathroom is off limits for the evening. Then Big Bro Bill comes by. At least he knocks. Christopher sometimes doesn't. Anyway, he sees I have company, I introduce them, Bill asks his question, I answer it thinking that's that and he'll go away. NOPE! He sits, offers me some of his Reece's Pieces and starts to launch into something family oriented. He had no clue that he might not be welcome for an extended discussion. I had to kick him out. It was funny and embarrassing and cute all at the same time. I know that I'm well protected around here. Not a bad place to be when you're a single woman negotiating the world of internet dating.

Well....

This one speaks for itself:

Good night, and good luck...

I can't complain about having tried this Internet dating thing. After all, it has been quite a learning experience. I learned that honest, intelligent, straightforward, common sense people have given way to shallow, rude, dishonest, self-centered weirdo freaks. No one can say what they mean and mean what they say anymore. Oh you say how much you hate dishonesty and game playing, but you just can't live up to your own expectations. There's a description for that. It's called being a hypocrite. I've had enough. You have shifted my desires from romance and companionship to blissful bachelorhood in all of its uncomplicated and freewheeling glory. Ladies, you're not worth the trouble. There are too many noble and facinating things in the world in which to be involved to waste any more time on dull females who think of American Idol as high art and themselves as the center of the universe. Good night, and good luck.
Very sincerely, Another jaded single male.

It's rather sad that a seemingly articulate 36-year old man can have such a strongly negative reaction towards women. I daresay that he won't be getting many dates with this message in his profile. It's a crazy cyber-space world.

More on Online Dating

Pet peeve: If you are going to post your photo(s) on the website, PLEASE make sure that at least one of them shows you without your sunglasses on! I may not be typical, but I would venture to guess that most women would react more favorably if they could see your eyes. What are you hiding behind those sunglasses?

Oh, and keep your shirt on unless you are at the beach or in a boat.

Computer Dating

You know, when the guy's profile says that he's 5 feet tall and you are hoping that it was a typo, make sure you ask before meeting.

It wasn't a typo.

Lesson for the Day

Don't go clothes shopping after a big meal and in full-blown PMS bloat.


It does not make for a fun experience.

Remember that Snow?

Not the one yesterday, but the one last week. This is the tree in my yard. Pretty, isn't it?

Momma Osprey

There are a number of Osprey nests at Lake Russell where we were fishing. This is a Momma Osprey just before she decided that we were not good to have around her babies. She kept flying around, trying to lure us from the nest.

Lesbian Dreams

I went fishing (no, really---FISHING) last weekend with my brothers and a bunch of their friends. It was what they call a tournament. You pay 40 bucks, you fish from 7:00 am to 4:00 pm and whoever has the most poundage in fish wins and whoever has the biggest fish wins, too. I didn't do too badly for a Once-a-year fisher person. I caught 2 fish. One was a keeper at 14 inches and 1.5 pounds:

Ohhhh....Sexy!

Anyway, back at the camp, I was surrounded by 13 beer swilling, vodka pushing, skoal dipping, middle aged men who were very happy to NOT have their wives about for the weekend. I think I could have written a sociology paper on my observations. Don't get me wrong, they were all great and I had my book for company when the "faggit" jokes got out of hand.

I think that I now understand why men have to get away from women and vice-versa. The men really DO have to act like high-school boys (especially if they were all athletes) and do wacky boy stuff (Don't tell them I called them boys. It might hurt their feelings). And make sure you have that bloody mary even if you told them no 10 times. And look sheepish when they remember a girl is in their midst. I assured them that I could probably embarrass them with my bawdiness, so they should relax and be themselves. They finally were and I retreated to the safety of the van, my book and the air mattress....only to have dreams about girls kissing...Go figure.

Very Interesting

It's no secret that I engage in online personals. I met a couple of guys when I lived in St. Louis via Match.com and also had a couple of encounters here with the same service. I think, though, that I have found the secret to online dating, or whatever you want to call it: Don't put down too much information. Odd, huh?

When I was on Match, I spent a lot of time trying to convey in 1,000 characters or less who I was, what I was looking for and all that blather. It was very important to me to not present myself in a false light. Well, I just didn't have much luck with that tack. I met a couple of nice guys, but I was not even given the time of day by quite a few that probably wouldn't have minded going out with me. And, in the usual female way, I took it personally and somehow figured that I wasn't good enough. Forget this online dating thing!!!! Besides, all I wanted was to get out, meet some nice guys and, possibly, strike up a romance. Not too much to ask, is it?

In a fit of pique, I changed services to Yahoo personals. I had one photo of myself that I liked and I filled out the "About Me" multiple choice section honestly and the "About Him" section honestly without being too picky (I mean, a college grad under 47 who doesn't smoke really isn't too much to ask for). I wrote a two sentence description saying that I'm hardworking, I like to hike, talk and listen to NPR and threw caution to the wind.

I have had a much higher percentage of guys contact me. It's crazy! And the best part is that they are all, pretty much, in my age range (I was married to someone 11 years older than me, I have no desire to date someone that old now--I was also spoiled by dating someone 6 years younger than me most recently and have an appreciation for the Non-Viagra set).

In the past 5 days I have been on two "get to know you" dates and there's a second date (maybe it's a REAL date) coming up in the next couple of weeks. So, if any of you out there are thinking of trying the online personals, Less is more. But you have to post a photo. A lot of guys automatically think that you are either 800 lbs or are hiding some kind of disfigurement when you don't have a photo.

Advice from a successful online dater.

Well...Poo

I got a call from my boss on the movie today. It was put on hiatus. The director, who is also a screenwriter, would like to make sure the script is as good as it can get before we continue. Since he's also working on another project at the moment, ours has to be put on hold. It's the nature of the beast. I know that I'll be back on it as soon as it starts up again, so I'm not worried. Besides, this project just fell into my lap. Others will, too. In the meantime, I can take that fishing trip with my brother and possibly get out to WCU to talk to the students about Stage Managing. I might also get to SM Porgy & Bess with the Asheville Ballet. So, not great news, but not devastating, either. It's good to be able to be not stressed out about it.

Demented Panda Bear Yard

Vehicle Observations

So, I have this new car, a Chevy Trail Blazer. It's cool. No big bells or whistles or anything and it drives well. I think that I might end up with a speeding ticket before this is over...I'm not used to a V8 engine and "Little Connie Leadfoot" may just push the limit one too many times.

Anyway, I went to the grocery store yesterday (it being Sunday and all) and as I got to my car (Truck, what have you) I realized that the only way to get into the car with a key was at the driver's door. (This car doesn't have a key fob that automatically unlocks all the doors or the trunk from 50 feet away.) In order to put my groceries in the back I have to balance the cart against the car (it's Asheville, very few parking lots are level), open the driver's door, hit the unlock button (which unlocks everything), close that door, go around the car and open the back. Now it is very likely that I'm missing something in the process...like there is a lock on the back somewhere that I can't find. But I don't think so.

It called attention to the fact that manufacturers are catering completely to electronic/remote using single drivers who have no manners. What do I mean by "no manners"? Well, you see, when I have a passenger, I am courteous and unlock that door first before going around to open mine. Since there is no keyhole on the passenger side of this particular vehicle, I have to leave that person standing out in the weather while I go around, unlock my door and electronically open all the other doors. Am I the only one in the world who opens the passenger door first?

Carsick

Who knew that a person could get carsick while driving? I feel like such a wimp. The car I'm driving while scouting and shooting needs to be a 4-wheel drive. So I got a Toyota 4-Runner. Big mistake! It's a great car, but it has what is called "body roll". I don't know what that is, exactly, but it's like being in the back of the bus while going on curvy roads...or it's like being seasick. I was miserable on Monday and Tuesday! It took me until Tuesday night to figure out that it was the car and not me. I thought that I might have to give up the job because I couldn't handle feeling so awful. Today I traded it in for a Chevy Trail Blazer and, while I'm still recuperating from the past two days, I didn't feel like I needed to hurl every 10 miles or so.

So, yes. It's possible to make yourself carsick while driving. Go figure.

The Thing About Locations is...

Locations.

You see, if the scene calls for the main character to decide to go climb down a steep hill under a bridge and get stuck in the mud and scramble up the other side, I have to take pictures of what I think might work for that scene. Sounds easy, right? Only I have to take pictures from the top of that steep hill, from the middle of that steep hill, from the bottom of that steep hill, and so on. From all angles. So, you might say, I've already experienced what the actor might experience long before the cameras roll (only I didn't get muddy--I did slip a couple of times,though).

Here are a couple of interesting shots I too while under bridges...ever feel like a troll?


No mud here...



I couldn't climb up this side, so I had to go back the way I came.

A New Film

Well, I just got a call out of the blue about working Locations on a new film. I have since taken the job, so look for more pics of places I've gone scouting and fun set shots.

Now for the BIG NEWS: The movie is A Walk In the Woods based on the book by Bill Bryson. The BIGGER NEWS: It's being produced by Robert Redford and directed by Chris Columbus. It's pretty big league. I'm excited and will keep you all posted as much as I can.

The Coyote and the Woodpecker

From a Native American Myth:

Coyote, who is too clever for his own good, found himself stuck in a hollow log. Along came Woodpecker who started peck, peck, pecking on the log. Coyote complained and complained about the noise that Woodpecker was making. "Stop all that racket!" Coyote said, but Woodpecker did not hear and kept pecking away. Finally, Woodpecker pecked a small hole into the log, letting in a little light. Coyote realized at that moment that Woodpecker could help him and started yelling, "Get me out of here!" This frightened Woodpecker and he flew away. Coyote became very quiet and still and, eventually, Woodpecker flew back to the log and continued pecking. After a while Woodpecker pecked through the log and freed Coyote.

The moral: That which irritates us could well be out salvation.

The noise of Woodpecker irritated Coyote. When Coyote realized that Woodpecker could help him he scared Woodpecker away in his desperation. Finally, when he became still and patient, Woodpecker freed him from the log.

Liberation irritates the parts of us that keep us stuck.

Beautiful things

I realized over the course of the past couple of months that I like giving myself flowers every week or so. It started out with some flowers in the house for Thanksgiving and then Gerber Daisies for Christmas. Now, I realize that I have had fresh flowers (not including the jungle of plants in the living room) in my home since then. This week it's 20 pink and red tulips. Eleven Bucks! That's all it took to make my space a little nicer and happier (we won't discuss the pile of stuff on the dining room table waiting for me to finish a couple of different art projects). It's such a joy to see them every day and know that I'm doing this tiny thing that makes me so happy, especially in this winter weather. I wish it would either get warmer or snow! This cold is not so much fun.

I Love My Job...Revisited

Aquila Theatre came to the DWT last Friday, Saturday & today. They are a fantastic company of British and American actors who do the classics. Last year they did Hamlet & Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and this year they did Canterbury Tales and Romeo & Juliet.

Canterbury Tales were quite good, but R&J was superb! I have never seen one so good. What is the best about this particular production is that there are 6 actors, and the audience picks who plays who. Saturday's production had a woman as Romeo, a woman as Juliet (there are only 2 women in the company) and men as Lady Capulet and Nurse. All played multiple parts. I know the play well and I still cried at the end. I was in awe of the mastery of character and language these actors possess.

It was all very minimal (as you would guess with only 6 actors) and just perfect. The set was a 20 foot wooden octagon center stage and black chairs on the sides of the stage with props and and costumes (natural colored muslin pieces over black boots, black pants and black poets shirts). The balcony scenes were so well done. The actors delivered all the lines down stage with Romeo farther down stage than Juliet, who was only 6 inches higher but had a chair to use. I never for a minuted doubted that they were gazing into each other's eyes.

And I got to watch it and get paid, too.

Life is good

Let Go of the Hat

The other day while I was on a very steep trail, sucking wind and being too stubborn to stop, E told me that if I put away the hat I was holding, I could use that energy to make it up that trail....It was really steep! Good sense gave way to stubbornness and I listened, put away the hat and made it to the top (I did stop a couple of times...just to let my heart slow down a bit. It was drowning out the sound of the wind and the birds). I know that I didn't make it there just because I let go of the hat, but who is to say that it didn't give me a little extra energy to make it there.

I had the occasion to speak those words to myself, metaphorically, today. I've been holding on to a "hat" for far too long now. It's not that the hat was causing me any direct harm, and I probably could go on and on holding on to it indefinitely. The hat had other plans. It blew out of my hand and I realized that the energy I was using to hold onto it would be better put to use elsewhere. It's time for the hat to warm some other head, not hang idly, by my side. It is a disservice to the hat's divine purpose to stay in my hand. And I can use that extra energy to make it to the top of the steep trail to see the blue sky and wondrous view at the top.

Goodbye hat.

World's Tallest Roses

Now, I like roses as much as the next girl, but why in the world would someone want 5-1/2 feet of stem and leaves and 1/2 a foot of roses in her house?

I'm sure it would be a prestige thing (they cost $250 per dozen) but, unless you are 7-1/2 feet tall or have a lower area to put them in, you wouldn't be able to SEE the roses. You wouldn't be able to enjoy them, except from afar.

A good gift for an unrequited love, perhaps?

Call me crazy.

My Ears Are Tired

More grocery store fun.

In the grocery store yesterday there was this family: Mom, Dad and two kids (estimated ages of 5 & 3) The kids spent most of the time near the cart, but laughing and wrestling, and generally being a couple of loud kids. Mom was obviously used to it and had her mom ears on. That is to say that she could easily tune them out. Dad, on the other hand said, "Please, my ears are tired. You're with them all day. Make them stop." I will have to say that both kept their cool and the kids eventually calmed down.

The most interesting things happen at the grocery store....at least thing that make me laugh.

If you're in to people watching, go to the yuppie grocery store on Sunday afternoons.

Distractions

Being self aware sucks sometimes. Well, it doesn't really suck, it just doesn't give me the excuse to ignore stuff that's going on very easily. I have been distracting myself all day to no avail. I'm continually brought back to the reason I need to be distracted. The reason is that tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of my mother's death. It would seem that, after 10 years, this day would be easier to handle. It is, most years. Or I just suppress it better. But there is something about it being 10 years that makes it more difficult.

My life changed completely ten years ago. There are things that I will never be able to share with her. Things that I won't come to understand about her. I harbor a little anger toward her because she left me. The irrational 5 year-old is mad because she didn't take care of herself enough to stick around. I guess I still haven't completely forgiven her for that. But it led me to where I am today, which is a pretty good place even though I had to slog through some muck to get here.

I thank her, too. She has given me so much of herself. I got her body type (the women on my dad's side have some extra junk in the trunk), I have her strength and drive. I have her eyes. I have her ready laugh and her sense of right and wrong (sometimes that's a little too much). I have her in my heart.

God, I miss her.

I Jinxed It

If I really believed in those things.

I did not get the project in New Orleans. I would have liked to have done it, but they decided to go with someone local...which makes sense. So, I'm off to polish up my resume and get it out there. And I'm going to take a seminar on grant writing...maybe that's something I'm good at and I can write grants to support myself.

We'll see

My Chiropractor is a Goddess!

I've extolled the virtues of chiropractic care for years now. I've been to many different ones who each had a different approach to their healing art (you can tell I've been in Asheville for a while now). Dr. Michelle Greenspan is the best so far. I hadn't been adjusted in about two years and there was some major catching up to do as far as getting my spine straight. So I've gone to her for 12 adjustments and I can't believe the difference! In fact, I noticed today that the bulge in the right side of my neck is gone. GONE! I've had it there for years. It showed on my x-ray that my neck, besides not being curved enough front to back, was curved side to side (it's not supposed to be that way). And, when I went to her, I couldn't turn my head all the way to the right. It was becoming dangerous for me to drive because I couldn't look over my right shoulder when changing lanes. Now I have better range of motion in my neck, my arms don't go numb when I'm sleeping and wake me up and I'm not having the sciatica that I usually get monthly.

I have many stories about how chiropractic care has helped me, but nothing is more amazing than my first experience back in 1988. I was 23 and had such knee pain (I describe is as someone taking a serrated knife and sawing it under my kneecap at night) that I begged the orthopedic surgeon to cut me just to make it stop hurting so badly. Luckily, he knew better (knee surgery then was just barely getting into the arthroscopic kind, so it would have been a pretty bad situation). My mom suggested a chiropractor. Since she was paying for it (insurance didn't cover it back then) I went ahead and did it. After my x-ray, the Doc showed me that my lower back and hips were out of alignment and that was causing me to walk in a way that irritated the cartilage in my knees. He (and the orthopaedist) knew that I shouldn't be having this kind of trouble at my age--I'd always said that my knees were 15 years older than me. After some treatments I was feeling much better and I can say that I have NEVER had that kind of pain in my knees again. Even now, over 15 years later, I only get twinges.

So, the moral to this story is, if you've ever considered it and you have any kind of pain. It doesn't need to be just your back. Go to the chiropractor.

Oh, and that popping noise is not bones cracking, it's just gas escaping from between your joints...kind of like popping your knuckles...so there is nothing to worry about.

New Orleans

I may have a project in New Orleans coming my way. It's called After the Storm. It's a theatre/film project where inner city kids will be performing the musical Once On This Island and it will be filmed as documentary. They need a stage manager and Bill thought of me. I love it when things like that happened. He really only thought of me because he saw me last night. I went to see him perform Mambo Mouth. What a great show! It was written by John Leguizamo and I'm sure that his original performance was outstanding!

Anyway, check out the After The Storm Website and donate if you wish... AFTER THE STORM

If I get the gig, I'll document it here...If I can. I think that Internet access is still at a premium there even after a year.

Perks

We loaded out LA TheatreWorks' production of Private Lives today. Two dozen white roses were the set dressing. Since I procured them and arranged them, I'm the one who gets to bring them home. Now I know why people like roses by the dozen. I don't particularly care for roses, sometimes they can be mundane. Possibly because we girls get them singly or in bunches from the time guys want to get our attention. These, however, are beautiful and simple. No extra greenery or icky baby's breath. Just a couple of dozen roses in a vase. And I get to look at them every day.

21,000 Troops

I usually only discuss politics at the top of my lungs. Today I would like to do it quietly....but I don't think that'll happen.

Where in the world is W going to get 21,000 more troops to continue the absurdity in Iraq? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a shortage of US soldiers? Is he going to pull troops from already shorthanded areas and put them in Iraq?

My argument isn't fully formed at the moment, but everything about what what he wants to do, to me, is counter-intuitive to withdrawing from the war in a timely manner. I think that it's just going to get worse and continue for the next two to 2-1/2 years until we get a new President. And to what end? By being the big bad poopie-heads of the world, we're only confirming what the terrorists say about us...They've already won because we continue to be all that they say we are.

Oh, and today I learned that the congressman that I voted for, Heath Schuler, voted against stem cell research. He's really a Republican in Dem's Clothing. I'm disappointed that I did not fully research him before I voted for him. But, maybe there'll be enough real Dems to counteract his tyranny....plus, without him, we would not be in the majority. Ant that's always a good thing.

The D Word

Today, I learned that the wife of a friend and associate just up and asked him for a divorce just before Christmas. It was a bit of a shock to me. I have never met her, and can't make any judgment on their marriage, but I felt so bad for my friend. It was out of the blue for him. I felt I had to apologize for women and the way we treat the men we love, sometimes. I also felt uncomfortable because there are times when men complain about their ex-wives and I'm a ex-wife. Luckily, I had E there to reminded me of what a poopie-head my ex was. Nonetheless, I do feel bad for anyone who is going thru the end of a relationship. Even under the best of circumstances, it's difficult. And I only wish him a fairly painless split.

Positive v. Negative

I tend to think of myself as an optimistic person. In fact, I had a therapist once, "I wonder if your optimism is its own form of denial?" She was right, of course. After that, though, I carefully look at whether or not being positive is denial.

Then there are the negative people. It frustrates me when people (friends) seem to automatically shoot down an idea of mine without even considering it (I need some new friends, obviously). I understand that it really has nothing to do with me, usually, but it's frustrating, nonetheless. For instance, I spoke today of stopping by a motel that's close to me to see if they had a gym or a treadmill that I could use in order to be able to exercise on days that the weather is too bad. The response I got was, "Good luck with that." in a most sarcastic way. I didn't expect baloons and noisemakers, but that seems to me to be a very negative response to a simple statement and, I might add, a very good idea. (It turns out that this particular place did not have a gym, but I had to ask).

I did what I wanted to do, though and Screw the Negative Nellies!