Distractions

Being self aware sucks sometimes. Well, it doesn't really suck, it just doesn't give me the excuse to ignore stuff that's going on very easily. I have been distracting myself all day to no avail. I'm continually brought back to the reason I need to be distracted. The reason is that tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of my mother's death. It would seem that, after 10 years, this day would be easier to handle. It is, most years. Or I just suppress it better. But there is something about it being 10 years that makes it more difficult.

My life changed completely ten years ago. There are things that I will never be able to share with her. Things that I won't come to understand about her. I harbor a little anger toward her because she left me. The irrational 5 year-old is mad because she didn't take care of herself enough to stick around. I guess I still haven't completely forgiven her for that. But it led me to where I am today, which is a pretty good place even though I had to slog through some muck to get here.

I thank her, too. She has given me so much of herself. I got her body type (the women on my dad's side have some extra junk in the trunk), I have her strength and drive. I have her eyes. I have her ready laugh and her sense of right and wrong (sometimes that's a little too much). I have her in my heart.

God, I miss her.