Today's the day I get a dog

...or at least I thought so. It was not the case, though. I decided that I'm ready to get a dog and, since I have some down time this week, today would be the perfect day to go to the shelter and come home with a new companion.

I woke up excited an a little nervous at the prospect. I found Carmen's old dishes and discovered that I still had 6 months of her heart worm/flea/tick medicine. I set up the dishes--they're the kind that sit off of the floor so that it's easier for the dog to eat. And I cleaned out the back of my car in anticipation of the new dog riding back there.

Off I went to the Animal Shelter. I had looked at a bunch of these dogs online and was anticipating meeting them in person. Surely one of these sweet dogs would be perfect for me.

I met Sash first. She is a reserved greyhound mix. She's so reserved, though, that she hardly paid any attention to me. Not a very excited dog whatsoever. I mean I would like a dog who at least seemed happy to see me...she is very sweet, though and good with people and other dogs. I just wasn't excited about her. And she wasn't excited about me.

Next was a black lab (by the way, I'm looking at adult and young dogs, I don't want a puppy)who was just under 2 years old...WAY too much dog for me. Really excited and would be perfect for someone with a fenced yard and 3 kids.

There were a couple of other dogs; Gregor, a hound mix who had the right amount of playfulness and independence that would work well for me, and Cane. Cane is an absolutely beautiful Pit Bull Terrier who, while he's still young, responds very well to commands and his training. He would be a great dog to take on hikes and to play fetch with. But am I really the person who would play fetch every day? I'm not sure.

Believe it or not, it has been an extremely emotional day for me. I thought I was coming home with a new pet, but in the process of finding the right one, I found that I may not be ready for a new dog just yet. I'm aware of the responsibility of owning a dog. I'm rescuing a dog from the pound and, therefore, if it is not a good fit, I would feel very guilty about returning the dog if I needed to.

Am I ready to replace Carmen? I didn't realize it at until today that Carmen was the first dog that was truly mine. My responsibility, my friend and companion that got me through some tough times. The idea of having another dog in my house that's not Carmen is upsetting. And, the good lord willing, I will outlive this next dog. Can I face the prospect of having another pet die or be put to sleep? I understand now why my dad would get so upset when I brought a pet home when I was a kid...he couldn't stand the idea of having a pet die. It would make him so angry. I don't think I'm like my dad in that way, but I do understand it now.

So I don't have a new dog today. I've gone to the pet store to price crates and I've gone to the library to get a couple of books on dog behavior. I'm scared, really. I'm making a commitment and taking on a responsibility that I take very seriously. My last pet relationship lasted 4 years longer than my marriage did. That should tell you something.