Feeling of the day: actually, it is the emotion of from the week before. I had this dream last Sunday (my birthday) that was a theatre anxiety dream (my dreams are such wonderful tools for me to see what I’m really thinking) and understood that I was anxious about something. In the dream, I was working at Barter again. They had asked me to work there. So I’m there for a couple of days and notice that, although everyone is being courteous, they are not going out of their way to offer any more than they have to. I have a meeting with Rick to talk to him about this, and he mumbles something at me. I have to ask him three times what it is he’s saying and I’m getting a little angry. He finally looks me in the eye and says, “Some of us are ashamed of you.”
I found this on my computer today. It came as quite a shock. It was a dream I had almost 4 years ago and since then I have actually worked at Barter again. Needless to say, nothing like what happened in my dream happened in real life. But I sit here crying. I’m full of emotions today and not only because of this three-and-a-half year old journal entry. One of those feelings is such a deep sadness for the woman who thought so little of herself that she was taking it out on herself even in her dreams. I also feel Joy and Awe. I am so joyous that I have managed to heal myself (with a lot of help) of those feelings of shame and inadequacy and am in awe of the woman who managed to work through them and come out on the other side. What an accomplishment. I’m proud of her and what she has done with herself and her life. I’m proud of myself.
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