Let Go of the Hat

The other day while I was on a very steep trail, sucking wind and being too stubborn to stop, E told me that if I put away the hat I was holding, I could use that energy to make it up that trail....It was really steep! Good sense gave way to stubbornness and I listened, put away the hat and made it to the top (I did stop a couple of times...just to let my heart slow down a bit. It was drowning out the sound of the wind and the birds). I know that I didn't make it there just because I let go of the hat, but who is to say that it didn't give me a little extra energy to make it there.

I had the occasion to speak those words to myself, metaphorically, today. I've been holding on to a "hat" for far too long now. It's not that the hat was causing me any direct harm, and I probably could go on and on holding on to it indefinitely. The hat had other plans. It blew out of my hand and I realized that the energy I was using to hold onto it would be better put to use elsewhere. It's time for the hat to warm some other head, not hang idly, by my side. It is a disservice to the hat's divine purpose to stay in my hand. And I can use that extra energy to make it to the top of the steep trail to see the blue sky and wondrous view at the top.

Goodbye hat.

World's Tallest Roses

Now, I like roses as much as the next girl, but why in the world would someone want 5-1/2 feet of stem and leaves and 1/2 a foot of roses in her house?

I'm sure it would be a prestige thing (they cost $250 per dozen) but, unless you are 7-1/2 feet tall or have a lower area to put them in, you wouldn't be able to SEE the roses. You wouldn't be able to enjoy them, except from afar.

A good gift for an unrequited love, perhaps?

Call me crazy.

My Ears Are Tired

More grocery store fun.

In the grocery store yesterday there was this family: Mom, Dad and two kids (estimated ages of 5 & 3) The kids spent most of the time near the cart, but laughing and wrestling, and generally being a couple of loud kids. Mom was obviously used to it and had her mom ears on. That is to say that she could easily tune them out. Dad, on the other hand said, "Please, my ears are tired. You're with them all day. Make them stop." I will have to say that both kept their cool and the kids eventually calmed down.

The most interesting things happen at the grocery store....at least thing that make me laugh.

If you're in to people watching, go to the yuppie grocery store on Sunday afternoons.

Distractions

Being self aware sucks sometimes. Well, it doesn't really suck, it just doesn't give me the excuse to ignore stuff that's going on very easily. I have been distracting myself all day to no avail. I'm continually brought back to the reason I need to be distracted. The reason is that tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of my mother's death. It would seem that, after 10 years, this day would be easier to handle. It is, most years. Or I just suppress it better. But there is something about it being 10 years that makes it more difficult.

My life changed completely ten years ago. There are things that I will never be able to share with her. Things that I won't come to understand about her. I harbor a little anger toward her because she left me. The irrational 5 year-old is mad because she didn't take care of herself enough to stick around. I guess I still haven't completely forgiven her for that. But it led me to where I am today, which is a pretty good place even though I had to slog through some muck to get here.

I thank her, too. She has given me so much of herself. I got her body type (the women on my dad's side have some extra junk in the trunk), I have her strength and drive. I have her eyes. I have her ready laugh and her sense of right and wrong (sometimes that's a little too much). I have her in my heart.

God, I miss her.

I Jinxed It

If I really believed in those things.

I did not get the project in New Orleans. I would have liked to have done it, but they decided to go with someone local...which makes sense. So, I'm off to polish up my resume and get it out there. And I'm going to take a seminar on grant writing...maybe that's something I'm good at and I can write grants to support myself.

We'll see

My Chiropractor is a Goddess!

I've extolled the virtues of chiropractic care for years now. I've been to many different ones who each had a different approach to their healing art (you can tell I've been in Asheville for a while now). Dr. Michelle Greenspan is the best so far. I hadn't been adjusted in about two years and there was some major catching up to do as far as getting my spine straight. So I've gone to her for 12 adjustments and I can't believe the difference! In fact, I noticed today that the bulge in the right side of my neck is gone. GONE! I've had it there for years. It showed on my x-ray that my neck, besides not being curved enough front to back, was curved side to side (it's not supposed to be that way). And, when I went to her, I couldn't turn my head all the way to the right. It was becoming dangerous for me to drive because I couldn't look over my right shoulder when changing lanes. Now I have better range of motion in my neck, my arms don't go numb when I'm sleeping and wake me up and I'm not having the sciatica that I usually get monthly.

I have many stories about how chiropractic care has helped me, but nothing is more amazing than my first experience back in 1988. I was 23 and had such knee pain (I describe is as someone taking a serrated knife and sawing it under my kneecap at night) that I begged the orthopedic surgeon to cut me just to make it stop hurting so badly. Luckily, he knew better (knee surgery then was just barely getting into the arthroscopic kind, so it would have been a pretty bad situation). My mom suggested a chiropractor. Since she was paying for it (insurance didn't cover it back then) I went ahead and did it. After my x-ray, the Doc showed me that my lower back and hips were out of alignment and that was causing me to walk in a way that irritated the cartilage in my knees. He (and the orthopaedist) knew that I shouldn't be having this kind of trouble at my age--I'd always said that my knees were 15 years older than me. After some treatments I was feeling much better and I can say that I have NEVER had that kind of pain in my knees again. Even now, over 15 years later, I only get twinges.

So, the moral to this story is, if you've ever considered it and you have any kind of pain. It doesn't need to be just your back. Go to the chiropractor.

Oh, and that popping noise is not bones cracking, it's just gas escaping from between your joints...kind of like popping your knuckles...so there is nothing to worry about.

New Orleans

I may have a project in New Orleans coming my way. It's called After the Storm. It's a theatre/film project where inner city kids will be performing the musical Once On This Island and it will be filmed as documentary. They need a stage manager and Bill thought of me. I love it when things like that happened. He really only thought of me because he saw me last night. I went to see him perform Mambo Mouth. What a great show! It was written by John Leguizamo and I'm sure that his original performance was outstanding!

Anyway, check out the After The Storm Website and donate if you wish... AFTER THE STORM

If I get the gig, I'll document it here...If I can. I think that Internet access is still at a premium there even after a year.

Perks

We loaded out LA TheatreWorks' production of Private Lives today. Two dozen white roses were the set dressing. Since I procured them and arranged them, I'm the one who gets to bring them home. Now I know why people like roses by the dozen. I don't particularly care for roses, sometimes they can be mundane. Possibly because we girls get them singly or in bunches from the time guys want to get our attention. These, however, are beautiful and simple. No extra greenery or icky baby's breath. Just a couple of dozen roses in a vase. And I get to look at them every day.

21,000 Troops

I usually only discuss politics at the top of my lungs. Today I would like to do it quietly....but I don't think that'll happen.

Where in the world is W going to get 21,000 more troops to continue the absurdity in Iraq? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a shortage of US soldiers? Is he going to pull troops from already shorthanded areas and put them in Iraq?

My argument isn't fully formed at the moment, but everything about what what he wants to do, to me, is counter-intuitive to withdrawing from the war in a timely manner. I think that it's just going to get worse and continue for the next two to 2-1/2 years until we get a new President. And to what end? By being the big bad poopie-heads of the world, we're only confirming what the terrorists say about us...They've already won because we continue to be all that they say we are.

Oh, and today I learned that the congressman that I voted for, Heath Schuler, voted against stem cell research. He's really a Republican in Dem's Clothing. I'm disappointed that I did not fully research him before I voted for him. But, maybe there'll be enough real Dems to counteract his tyranny....plus, without him, we would not be in the majority. Ant that's always a good thing.

The D Word

Today, I learned that the wife of a friend and associate just up and asked him for a divorce just before Christmas. It was a bit of a shock to me. I have never met her, and can't make any judgment on their marriage, but I felt so bad for my friend. It was out of the blue for him. I felt I had to apologize for women and the way we treat the men we love, sometimes. I also felt uncomfortable because there are times when men complain about their ex-wives and I'm a ex-wife. Luckily, I had E there to reminded me of what a poopie-head my ex was. Nonetheless, I do feel bad for anyone who is going thru the end of a relationship. Even under the best of circumstances, it's difficult. And I only wish him a fairly painless split.

Positive v. Negative

I tend to think of myself as an optimistic person. In fact, I had a therapist once, "I wonder if your optimism is its own form of denial?" She was right, of course. After that, though, I carefully look at whether or not being positive is denial.

Then there are the negative people. It frustrates me when people (friends) seem to automatically shoot down an idea of mine without even considering it (I need some new friends, obviously). I understand that it really has nothing to do with me, usually, but it's frustrating, nonetheless. For instance, I spoke today of stopping by a motel that's close to me to see if they had a gym or a treadmill that I could use in order to be able to exercise on days that the weather is too bad. The response I got was, "Good luck with that." in a most sarcastic way. I didn't expect baloons and noisemakers, but that seems to me to be a very negative response to a simple statement and, I might add, a very good idea. (It turns out that this particular place did not have a gym, but I had to ask).

I did what I wanted to do, though and Screw the Negative Nellies!